Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch