I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
what it’s like dating me:
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!