Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work