POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.