Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Yes, but it was never about money
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one