Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point