A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You Might Also Like
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.