Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.