I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
the answer was staring at me all along
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close