The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.