not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back