Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Cannot stop laughing at this
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Basketball
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock