I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
You Might Also Like
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Those are good neighbors.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?