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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it