Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me