I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
This will never not be funny to me.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Guantanamo Bae
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.