6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
crochet youtube is brutal
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.