yes, those are my real potatoes.
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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up