I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
This meal prepping shit easy
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?