Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
never forget
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots