Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.