“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off