Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Does your wife know you’re single?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Tuesday
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?