Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.