But I really needed water water water
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.