I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My god she’s good.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.