Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
yes… yes…
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
This guy gets it.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.