You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
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Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions