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Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.