How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]