[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.