[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m giving up ice.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt