The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Good point.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
no such thing as a dumb question
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]