7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
spot the difference
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)