My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Mad Max Arctic Road
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*