Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.