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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.