Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
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No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.