*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.