I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
m’lady
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere