We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane