The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
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car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
estão todos miauvindo?
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?