There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me