I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.