[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..