a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me