Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
You Might Also Like
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.