Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
had to share :’)
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.