Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life