Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Happy weekend !
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
nice challenge
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.